Other side of the road..

I am soo fucked up. My brain is fucked up, my current life, my emotions, my face, even my tired smile.

I collide daily into a day full of scrap. Scrap information, scrap discussions and impressions. I don't care ! Which part you don't get. I see myself in the proximity of people I don't want and don't want to know. I walk the same road back and forth to a certain desk. I go in, get out after hours. Eyes red, blood pressure high, brain fucked up. And go back to rebuilding the shit.

Now, at 11 pm, in the small room full of fucked up brains, I find myself alone. What a wacko !! What I am doing here? Why I am still here. Fucking room, with its fucking light and emptiness !

I am so tired, that I don't care anymore. I see my lovely vacation so close by and I'm not ready for it. I'm not ready for some great emotions, for some hapiness tears. I'm not.. I am closed now. Shut down, fucked up.

Seen some new faces today, new spirits, hidden. Frustrations from the past. You telling me if I can work tomorrow. Asking if I'll leave early, early in the morning. Me, empty, speachless. You reading me. You thought I've got tears in my eyes. Maybe unconsciously. But I don't think so. Then you telling me I should screw the job, go home, have a great vacation. Me, empty, speachless again. I go back to finish some shit. Then, S asked me if I'm angry, smiling, empty, with his eyes incredibly tired. Red and blurry. I didn;t know what to say. I smiled, empty.

Then you girl, saying that you'd like to help me, if I need. You want me to go home, start my vacation. I just want to finish this. I'm so fucked up.

If I can have just a wish, I would want now to go to the beach, our beach, lay down, face up,look at the stars and cry a little, for all the things I've been through lately. And hopefully, I will...

De joi

Cred ca m-a intrebat cineva de ce am statusul la sametime "el mismo jueves".. pentru ca de cateva luni, simt ca si cum as trai incontinuu o zi de joi. Lunga si fara sens. Si inca nu s-a terminat.

Ma streseaza clientul care se ratoieste la mine cu unghiile alea false si roz, de pitipoanca, frustrarea lui nenea cu lupii, directorii care ma suna cu intrebari pe care si le formuleaza atunci si pe care cred ca le inspir, ca identifica raspunsurile pe loc, asa, prin minune. Astia care nu sunt buni de nimic, nici un inventar nu stiu sa faca... Niste tarani !

Tre sa ma apuc de lista pentru vacanta. O grija noua, dar un pic mai interesanta. Cred ca deprimanta curand, cand o sa identific cheltuieli neplanuite. Intre timp, sambata, ma trezesc, normal, la 8, ca intr-un weekend adevarat.

Intre timp, nu vreau decat sa dorm, sa nu ma mai duc la Faur, sa nu mai fie atat de cald in camera aia si sa mai dorm inca putin..

Azi

Ma doare in cot de nu mai pot.. Sa vezi cand o sa ma doara in fund...

Si daca nu mai pot, nu mai vreau, nici sa aud..

Ce sa fac?
O sa ma duc acasa sa dorm, sa visez iar Revelioane si alte balarii si cand suna ceasul la 7, sa ma gandesc cum oare am putut sa-mi pun ceasul sa sune dupa Revelion?? Si iar o sa ma trezesc maine si sa ma gandesc bine pana sa-mi dau seama ce zi e si de ce ma trezesc asa dimineata, dar mai ales, cat o sa mai dureze.

Uof...